Breaking Free- How I Found Peace After My Breakup
“How could you treat me this way? You betrayed me. You used me and when I needed you to be there for me, you threw me away like an overused dishcloth. When I needed you and you had to go the extra mile, you couldn’t put your ego and pride aside. Is that what you call love?
Don’t ever say that you loved me. That is not what love is.
I was there for you. Is this all I deserve? How can you be so cruel?
Why does this keep happening to me?
I need this to stop! NOW”
As I write, tears are endlessly rolling down my face.
Thoughts like these haven’t left me since my breakup. Most days, I switch between crying or wanting to scream out my disappointment and pain. I wanted to call or write him and tell him what I really thought of him.
I wanted him to look in the mirror and see himself so he could feel my pain. I wanted this pain to bring him on his knees and with hands together, ask for his sins to be forgiven. I wanted to see him bleeding on the ground, exactly like he left me when he stabbed a knife into the crack of my already broken heart.
With every passing minute, the weight of this anger and my undeniable need for him to see and hear me became too much to bear. No matter how much I wanted him to say that he was sorry…nothing. Holding this expectation hurt me even more. He was no longer in my life, yet I still allowed him into my space. Like oil to the fire, it kept feeding my suffering.
I had to stop hurting myself.
After four weeks of tolerating the burning sensation and anxiety in my throat that was the result of the all the unsaid words that were lingering in my head and my heart, I knew I had to let him go. Removing everything from my apartment and life that reminded me of him wasn’t enough. I wanted to be free of this misery. I wanted to free myself from the pain, the disappointment, the betrayal, and feeling raped energetically and emotionally.
I wanted to be whole and happy without him or anyone.
With so many other personal challenges needing my attention I had no one to lean on but myself. I needed me to show up for me!
So I sat down on my meditation pillow with my journal by my side to ask for guidance. I wrote a list about what I wanted help with. Letting him and the anger go was on the top of the list that unfolded before me. Then I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths to center myself. Instead of trying to logic my way out, I did what my friend Colleen (an intuitive healer) said to me “Command your soul to do it for you!” Regardless if one believes in such a new age thought or not, in desperate times one does what one has to.
My pain, that was a result of him not meeting my expectations, didn’t want to let him go. It posed as armor. If I remained angry, I wouldn’t allow him back into my life to hurt me again. If I held onto the pain, that made me right! I needed to be right to survive this!
Isn’t this a crazy fact about our human experience? The things that seem to protect us cause us the same or even more suffering. How is that even fair? We need to figure out a better way to cope, because that isn’t working.
Most of us believe that we can think our way out of our challenges. Several times before this, when I found myself on my knees, despite my crazy analytical mind, I had no choice but to recognize my limitations.
No matter how hard they are to endure, there is something beautiful about moments of surrender. They are times of complete powerlessness when we recognize our limitations and have no choice but to ask for help. Somehow we get closer to ourselves as we allow something greater than us to enter our lives and psyche.
After the “ceremony” I went to the park to jog. As I moved my body, new ideas and thoughts crossed my mind. I saw that I have had similar experiences in my life before and realized that I still held onto the pain and anger those caused me. I knew that this experience was here to serve me way beyond what I had imagined. It presented an opportunity to let go of the poison in my mental, emotional, and physical body.
I kept moving.
Suddenly I started thinking about the online program my friend Colleen and I are creating. Something felt off and I had to confess to her. I left her a voice message about my concerns. As I was recording I realized that every single word was not only relating to my concerns about this joint venture, but my personal issues too.
I knew I was guided one thought, word, and idea at a time.
We are creating a program to support people on their spiritual journey. We want to make it something that was light, fun and didn’t require one to dig deep into pain. I wasn’t sure if it was possible to jump to the soul level with one giant step.
What if our pain is here to teach us about ourselves?
What if it forces us to look within, and learn who we are or are not?
What if the pain is a loving nudge showing us when we are not in alignment?
Is it possible to go through spiritual or personal growth without it?
What if it is there to teach us humanity? (I made a video about this, click here to watch it.)
Time stopped. That’s it! Our pain serves us. It is not punishment, neither it is there to tell us that we are bad or wrong. It is a loving nudge that says “hey you, you are out of alignment!” It’s there to keep us honest and guide us to our soul.
The struggle is there to show us who we are. It cracks us open making us raw and real. It helps us recognize how imperfectly perfect we are and teaches us to be just that. That’s vulnerability. In the end it supports us in making peace with ourselves.
Pain is also an equalizer. When we recognize our powerlessness and how flawed and fragile we all are, it sets us free. It frees us from our ego, the constant need to be strong or right. It helps us take the mask, that we have been carrying in hopes that it makes us look perfect, off. It frees us from our need of righteousness and the expectations we have for ourselves, life, and others.
In moments like these when we are humbled, we enter the space of nothingness. We realize that we are nothing but still exist at the same time. When we get here, we connect to oneness! In this place we are all parts of something much greater than ourselves.
People who go through this understand that words only undermine this experience. Only those who have the courage or no choice but to meet their pain open the door to be in this very human and humbling place.
I learned so much from this break up and the guidance I received after I asked for help to harness my pain.
I wanted him to be on his knees, but instead I found myself on mine again. On my knees, facing down, my hands together, my eyes filled with tears, yet still bleeding from my heart, I met him and myself.
I had no right to tell him what is right for him. I only have the right to stand up for what works for me and let go of what doesn’t. I have the right to tell him what I need, but it is his choice if he wants to meet me where I am.
Maybe when I told him that he wasn’t there for me, he felt just as betrayed as his actions and words made me feel. He told me as he walked out of my apartment with his belonging in his hands, that it is clear that he can’t make me happy. But what was clear also, that what I needed from him didn’t make him happy either. We were in different places and what we wanted didn’t match. It is hard to accept that.
In one of my conversations with Colleen, she told me that the soul doesn’t look at the things we do as right or wrong, because everything serves us. Instead, it observes if what we do energizes us or destroys our energy.
So from the soul’s perspective what he wanted from me was destroying me. What I wanted from him was destroying him. So who is right? We were both right for ourselves and wrong for each other.
I guess the secret of a lasting relationship is for both parties to share in a way that energizes both. When they don’t, the partners will either destroy each other or have no choice but to let go.
I found peace by accepting both of us being where we are without wanting change.
My ego self still would love him to see me, but my soul is there to support me so I can let him go with peace and an open heart.
I hope he meets the woman who will give him what he wants. I hope the bond will bring them the happiness they both deserve.
I am grateful for this experience, even if my heart is still hurting. It taught me how to honor myself and others at the same time.
I have been trying to let go of the past for so long, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t. Now, I finally could put an end to poisoning my life and body and find peace with it.
I learned how to keep myself safe without wearing armor. I trust myself and know I can stand up for my needs! This experience cleared the path ahead of me and I now understand more about what it means to live from my heart without attachments and expectations.
After all, this breakup and the pain it caused me might have saved my life.
From my soul to yours,
July 1, 2019