My Spiritual Awakening
2013 was a profound year for me. I had a spiritual awakening, and I found myself floating in universal, unconditional love. I was swimming in bliss and ultimate wisdom, outside of my body, as pure energy spreading all over the universe. I did not use psychedelics or was in any other altered state.
Tears still come to me when I think about this experience. I have never felt pure love like this before. Every single cell in my body awakened. I have been feeling, seeing and understanding much more since this experience.
For a while after this special day, I felt a deep connection and love for everyone. But I had no idea how to love so openly and genuinely. I had no idea that loving came with so much responsibility. Because as open I was to share my love, I was just as open to getting hurt and hurting others too. So I did, countless times. The more I could love; the greater was the pain too. And every time I got hurt, my heart shut down little bits at a time, trying to shield myself, I went back into my cocoon.
At the same time, I still held a gift. The wisdom of this energy became a part of me. It changed me over the years, helped me to understand myself. It opened up a gate for transformation, offered me support when I was open to it.
The information was still there; only my heart was not in it.
I was scared. I did not know how to love fully, because I did not understand that I had to learn to take the pain too. I had to learn how to love without expectations and that having firm boundaries representing my values, being in integrity and in my truth was a crucial part of this journey.
I had to understand that just because I love, it does not mean that it would be returned.
Before my awakening, I felt disconnected from myself but connected to the people around me. Looking back, I see that I experienced life through their eyes, judgment and what they saw in me. I was co-dependent.
After my awakening, I learned about myself. Through the pain, challenges, and love, I learned what I needed, desired and who I was. I recognized my values, and I learned to fill myself up with my own truth. I felt full inside, I did not feel separated. At the same time, I felt disconnected from the world and didn’t feel understood. I felt judged and without being aware of it, I took on other’s judgment and made it my own. And I have to admit, I judged them for judging me too.
A little over a week ago I attended an event called Permission To Think Freely. The creators called it a ceremony; an experience with poetry, singing, and sharing universal truths and the challenges we have in our society accepting those… and much more. What changed me was not only what Adam Roa said or the words or voice of Monique Benabou but the frequency they transformed into a form so that we could all experience it. It was Pure LOVE and UNIQUENESS! They showed up owing their gifts, standing in the light I felt through my awakening. They re-awakened parts of me I have been hiding away from; my truth, fully owning my experience, my words and the wisdom that comes through me.
I was inspired to step into my power because I finally understood, that I turned my back to this energy.
I stepped away from love, rejecting what awakened and created me!
I felt alive again only, until I received judgment from the people I love. I was shattered. Why can’t they see me? It took me only a moment to break. But I could not continue this anymore, I had to interrupt this vicious cycle. I had to stop making others responsible for how I feel. I realized that I couldn’t allow my heart close every-time someone projected pain onto me. I realized that how others treat me, is not my responsibility. What others see I can’t change. I am responsible for myself and who I am. It is up to me to stay in my power.
I have to learn to own myself and how to love more, than take their pain!
I picked up a book for guidance (Spiritual Growth from Sanaya Roman) and opened it at a random page. The message on the page said: Send love to those who judge you…Go figure!
I have been struggling with this for years. How to send love to people who I felt judged, hurt, rejected or taking advantage by?
I had to take ownership of the past and claim my part in creating it.
I am responsible!
I decided to send out messages to people I don’t talk to anymore to thank them for making me stronger, helping me getting to know myself. I thank them for their presence in my life, being my teacher and supporter.
I cried for days. I learned what kept me from loving others unconditionally, and I learned what kept me from forgiving, why I pushed people away and why I had so much pain still inside of me. I gave myself the permission to see love in theirs and my own pain. Because when we don’t love purely we act out our hurt. So I embraced it! I started to see the innocence in others, and I could finally forgive and view myself the same.
I kept thinking if ONLY LOVE exists, how can I turn everything into love without having to try to change others or myself. After all, I experience life through my perception, and my happiness and joy depend on my vision.
I wanted to stop building barricades around my heart so that I can live in my wholeness. And for that, I did not need their love, but first I needed my own.
The first time in my life I sent love back to all of those who hurt me. All the people who judged me, could not accept me: I decided to love them. I decided to claim my wholeness, independently of how others felt about me.
As I practice stepping into love, I keep meeting my past conditioning that goes into reacting, judging and rejecting. I catch myself, and I shift my perception. It is a conscious choice and takes a lot of energy and patience from me. I call myself out, being real, raw and vulnerable to others and myself. I wear my heart on my sleeve being open about my shortcomings and welcoming my pain, fear, embracing their judgment and pain.
I am free to be me, no matter what…I don’t hold back!
I realized that after going through so much, I finally know myself enough that I see when I need to draw a line. I can love unconditionally knowing when to walk away because sometimes that is what love is. It does not mean I let others hurt me or that I won’t stand in my values or for my desires and needs.
I know how to love and take care of myself. I recognize when someone can’t receive it, learning not to judge them by it, or see the definition of my worth through their inability to love me. I understand that I can’t force doors open and can’t make others love me for who I am. I only choose to walk through doors that are open to me, what feels right and matches the love that flows through me.
But for that, I need to be and own that LOVE!
I allowed fear into my life and embraced it with love, honesty, integrity, respect, and discipline. I want to stop running and chasing, I want to allow things come to me.
With the consciousness I gained through my life and with the understanding I have of myself, I know I am safe now. I will make mistakes, I will be hurt and disappointed. But in the end, I am in control of what I do, see and how I feel or who I surround myself with.
To get here, I had to recognize my strengths digging through my pain. I had to own my flaws and my gifts, seeing that they are the same. I had to learn who I was so that I can embody this love. Knowing that no matter what, I can be who I choose to be. And that is LOVE.
Today I pray that I can stay in this place. And when I forget what it means to choose love, I will be reminded of it so I can come back to my truth and be the best I can be.
With accepting the pain, I am not inviting more in. But I know, the only way to be love is by having the courage and being open to feeling everything that comes with receiving…ANYTHING! I know I took on a big task. I already feel the fear creeping up showing its head.
So I take a deep breath and consciously choose to love unconditionally!